wren is back on the ventilator. she doesn't like it one bit!! they actually had to sedate her.(I guess we wouldn't like it either.) she actually pulled it out before they could secure it... so she had to be intubated twice. :( they also backed off on her feedings a little. from 11 to 10ml. and they put it on a pump so she gets it over the course of an hour. she's doing much better on the vent. her o2 is almost where they want it.. and she's been able to ween a bit off the oxygen. they put her on the pump because she was having bradys when she got fed. (also, totally normal.)
I'm exhausted and a bit overloaded..
tonight was the most horrific thing i've ever experienced. watching her writhing in what they called "discomfort" was so unbearable. and there was nothing i could do. i suppose this is what any mother would feel, particularly a mother who isn't able to even hold her child when she wants to... feed her child... or comfort that child... that is the hardest part of all of this. i can't bear to watch her get upset- and i'm totally helpless to stop it. i know that discomfort and unhappiness are all part of the human condition, but it just doesn't seem like something a 2 week old baby should have to go through. (that's how i see it as a mom anyway.) it made me so depressed to see her like that... so, no pictures tonight.