jan 27- everything's good with the gummy bear

we just got back from our dr's appt. we got another ultrasound. the heartbeat was right around 180... this was the first time thadd got to see it. he was super excited!
we got to see the arm buds and leg buds. doc said at this stage the babies look like gummy bears... i see the resemblance. its really going to be exciting to watch the fleck grow and see every little change week by week.
everything is going fine! he said that the subchorionic hemorrhage was "unimpressive" and looked ok. that, coupled with the fact that i haven't had any bleeding, is really reassuring. i did find out that i will only be seeing him until i'm 12 weeks, then i'll process over into the high risk OB department. (he works with infertility and has many patients with APS.)
he said that i'll continue taking my shots and baby aspirin. (which we already knew.) and that the bruising is really typical. he also said that i'll continue getting the shots in my stomach for the remainder of the pregnancy. i was really surprised. it seems odd to (at some point) stick a needle in my big pregnant belly... but he assured me that "even skinny people" have about an inch of skin. so the baby is protected. :)
i'm still having a serious aversion to meats. i almost lost it on the lunch meat isle in the grocery store. and when we went to my appt. they had the cooking channel on... some guy was showing how to take a membrane off a rack of ribs... ick! i was gagging as i walked to the other side of the room. (i'll never understand why the OB clinic has their tv set to cooking... every pregnant woman has some sort of food/smell aversion- right?) the morning sickness is coming and going randomly... cravings are getting more pronounced. the insomnia is a bit much... but i'm going to catch up on sleep eventually.
we have pictures.. but our computer is still broken. :( i'm at the lab on base now, and someone is sitting in the only seat that has access to a scanner... so.. it may be a few days until you can see the gummy bear. check back later this week.
thanks again for everyone's prayers. we're really thankful for the blessing of this healthy pregnancy.


a little peace of mind

i haven't had any spotting for another day! what answered prayers! thanks to you all for the prayers that have been said for us... we appreciate you so much.
i'm having MAJOR morning(really anytime, triggered by smells) sickness now. woo-hoo! gotta love the magical nose. tonight i almost puked at dinner when i got my steak. i could smell the blood! i think the fleck might be pushing me to a vegetarian diet! i'm craving veggies and fruits like crazy.
i've also started the wonderful process of not sleeping at night. one of my favorite parts of pregnancy.... insomnia. i'm exhausted and can't sleep a wink. then when i get to sleep i have to get up and pee. (which is caused by hormones at this stage, considering that the fleck is still just, well, a large fleck.) and then just about the time i get to sleep from my wee hour of the morning pee, i get woken up by my dear husband... who is, alas, a morning person. if i ever was a NOT a morning person, it's when i'm nauseated and can't eat all day, then laying in bed with a racing mind all night!
but my husband has been really wonderful. my last pregnancy really tempered him to the weirdness that comes with all the side effects. (luckily i'm a really sweet pregnant lady. he says he'd like to keep me pregnant all the time.) he's been so supportive of the nausea and headaches, and sleepiness and cravings and scatterbrained-ness... now, if i could just get him to sleep in!


good news and some reflection

so... i haven't had any more spotting in the last few days. YAY! i'm still reallllly aching for an ultrasound. i'm driving myself crazy with worry. (though i know it doesn't do any good.) i'm really doing my part on the morning sickness front now. i pretty much ruined dinner last night by being so nauseated by the smell of cooking food that i couldn't even come into that side of the house. (all that sounded good was arby's curly fries. and let's be real folks- those always sound good! thanks to kate for getting those for me!) and then i threw up twice this morning getting ready for church. and once during the lesson. (no it wasn't berry's lesson.) i ALMOST didn't make it. the front left pew to the back right of the building is a long walk (nonchalantly fast so as not to draw too much attention) for a nauseated pregnant woman!
all of this is happening... and while we're here we also have to make some decisions on what to do with max's ashes. we've pretty much decided... but there's still some finality in having to make decisions like that. there's some closure that hasn't yet happened. so, when we've had time to ourselves to discuss this i've inevitably ended up crying. last night i cried for max like i haven't cried in months. it felt good... but also made me feel a little guilty. i hadn't forgotten max- far from it. but i hadn't really mourned in a while. and wow do i miss him now. with the fleck on the way... it makes everything so raw. and others i know are expecting, and having children... and being around my nephew so much. it makes me really miss having a 2 month old in my arms on this trip. (or a 2 or 3 year old, which is what we would have if i hadn't lost my earlier pregnancies.) and of course, i don't' think picking a place for ashes to be scattered or buried is ever an easy thing.


still worried

so... i hadn't had any bleeding for a few days... then today... a bit more. it's really freaking me out. everyone tells me stories of people they know, or themselves....that they had bleeding through the whole pregnancy and everything was fine. but it's just not a comfort. sorry.
i REALLY can't wait to see another ultrasound. i'd like to go tonight, just to have the comfort of seeing that heartbeat again.


the shortest bedrest ever!

after talking to my doc in hawaii this afternoon, he eased some of my concerns.
apparently what i have is pretty common... and wasn't caused by anything i did. the blood thinners make me more apt to bleed when it could have been so tiny i never would have known it was there.
he also seemed to scoff at the idea that i could do anything to prevent a miscarriage at this point. it's pretty much just going to be what it's going to be.
so, no bedrest, no pelvic rest, and bring on the constipation! he said "you can go jogging and have all the sex you want, it's not going to change anything." just what you want to hear from your doctor!
so, keep the prayers coming!

a subchorionic hemorrhage

after speaking with my doc in hawaii today, he advised me that i should go to the er and get a rhogam shot. though i had 3 days to get this done, we opted for "the sooner the better approach".
it's now 2:03AM and we were at the hospital for a little over 5 hours. blerg. while i was there the random very light pink changed to a darkish brownish color. which the doc at the er described as "normal discharge color". whatever that means!
now for the news. i apparently have what could be a small subchorionic hemorrhage adjacent to the fleck's sac. the good news is that this effects many pregnancies, and the rate of miscarriage is lower in younger mothers, and is lower the smaller it is. the radiologist defined it as "a very small hypoechoic focus".
i also got to see the heartbeat. wow. i'm always so amazed by god's handiwork. the way we are made is so amazing. and even at 6 weeks 4 days (which is what they've measured the fleck at) there's a little heart beating... to say that's not a life is a tragedy. i definitely got to experience the fleck in a new way- seeing that little flicker is such a great moment. so i guess that's the good part.
the bad part is, of course, that this hemorrhage does increase our risk of miscarraige by it's very existance. due to the fact that obviously there was some sort of bleed i had to get one of those really fabulous rhogam shots after all.
for treatment i've been put on bedrest, and pelvic rest. also, told to avoid constipation. (who knew?) not to take aspirin... which i'm definitely taking... because i have to. so... it's in god's hands at this point. please pray for the fleck's safety and health.
on a side note my boobs are still sore, and i'm still feeling quesy. good signs!
i thought i was strong enough to handle another loss... but with it now becoming a real possibility... i'm not feeling so brave. i'm terrified. especially after seeing that little life inside me tonight. watching that little fleck's heart beat... i feel closer, and the fleck feels more real than before. thadd is always a shining beacon of hope. he's my strength when things like this happen... always there for me to lean on and to share his positive outlook. i'm a very lucky woman.
i'm going to update my hawaii doc on the latest updates tomorrow.
i also hope to have a picture of the most recent ultrasound up in the next few days.



tonight i noticed a small amount of very light pink spotting... it's really really not much, but anything freaks me out at this point. i don't think i'll get a sound bit of sleep tonight.
i'm calling my ob first thing in the morning. i'll keep you posted on the news. i assume they would have me go in to the doctor here and have more blood work done to determine if something is amiss. we'll see. i can only hope and pray that everything is alright. what a scare.


so... jan 9th was my first day to have real morning sickness. what an experience. i had forgotten how utterly disgusting it is. :/
even crackers made me gag. i was able to keep down some plain popcorn... and then i decided to just try and sleep it off. it worked!!! when i woke up i was starving and ate a bowl of chili with extra spice... it was perfect.
when i was pregnant with max i was laid up in bed for almost 4 months. throwing up every time i even stood up i was running to the bathroom to puke. it was definitely not fun.
this time around, so far, seems to be a little more manageable... most of my sickness has come from smells.
i can smell things from like 500ft away. i've been given a magical pregnancy nose. its a bit of a curse.


it begins

some of the things i'm experiencing so far:

sensitivity to salt
sensitivity to smell
a need to eat immediately, which if ignored, is followed by nausea
yeast infections (sorry, that's never fun to have, and not much more fun to read about.)
shrinkage of bras :(

haha.... and i'm just getting started! but, no morning sickness!!! (yet) if i can just not get morning sickness this time around i'll take whatever else comes my way.

the first visit

so... after finding that i was pregnant, i was put on blood thinners immediately, and told to come back to the walk in ob clinic on the following monday.
i take a shot of lovenox in my stomach daily, along with a baby aspirin. let me tell you... my belly looks like a pin cushion! luckily, my husband gives me the shots. i'm waaay too freaked out to give them to myself. (though i have before, and could again in a pinch.)
at my first appointment, on 12.29 (which also happens to be my birthday), we learned a little more about what to expect this time around. it seems we'll be getting quite a bit of attention. i will have weekly ultrasounds and blood work, with almost daily fetal monitoring toward the end of the pregnancy.
they took some blood and found that all the tests were exactly as they expected.
at this appointment they went ahead and did the first ultrasound, to check and see that everything was where it should be. which is where the term "fleck" comes from. when i first saw max, he was a bean... so we endearingly referred to him as "the bean". well, baby, you are "the fleck". not quite as cute, but it definitely fit the tiny dot in my uterus!
so, when we return home from our vacation, at the end of the month, we will have another ultrasound and round of blood work. we'll keep you posted!

our christmas present

on christmas eve we got the best present we could have imagined!
i'm pregnant. about 4 weeks along now.
we were both hopeful, but doubtful, since we had only tried for one month. we tried for a year to get pregnant before we conceived max.
of course, after losing max, this is a time of mixed emotion. i've found myself reflecting back on the past year. (what a year...) thinking not only about what this pregnancy could hold, but remembering more about my pregnancy with max, and what we went through. even what he looked like. all the little things that hadn't been in the forefront of my mind. i imagine this same scenario would have played out had we waited 6 years and not 6 months after our loss. memories like that fade, but they're awakened easily.
pure excitement. i envy that. any woman (or couple) who has not had a miscarriage can embrace the total joy of pregnancy... and while we may have more excitement than those who have not had loss, we can't give ourselves over to it. our joy will always be tempered with fear until we hold our child in our arms.