feb 26- the tale of two cities

caution: this is the documented life story of my boobs

sooo.. here's the story: before max, since high school, i'd been wearing a DD. while pregnant with max i got up to about a G. i found G bras at motherhood, in the nursing bra section... no problem!
well, after max, the G's that i had weren't fitting, and the DD's weren't fitting either. so in november i got measured at victoria's secret- THE bra store right?- and they tell me that they don't carry my size. :/ i was practically in tears! the saga of my chest has always been one that depresses me. always having to get up and dress them everyday... not being able to wear "cute" shirts and dresses for fear of disastrous cleavage! anyway... so, victorias secret not carrying my size was equivalent to a death sentence for even more of my clothes!
in december, thadd and i are going through the mall here in hawaii and they have a fredricks. i'd never shopped there before- but hey- there are bras in the window! i go in, get measured, and sure enough, i'm an F now. woo-hoo! they carry my size! and they have cute ones too! (let's be real, we all want cute undies!) and they're relatively cheap! i was happy for like a week!
so i wear the F for mere weeks, then we discover we're pregnant again. my immediate thought (after the pure joy) is- uh oh, i'm going to have to find more bras! so i wear the F and then the Gs and then after a few months the Gs aren't fitting anymore. so, last week, i find a reputable measurement site, (there are lots of sites that can't be trusted- so be careful if you're looking) and get out my tape measure. 38I people! i'm not kidding. that's I as in Igloo! and where does a person find a 38I you may be asking... well, i'm asking the same question!!! i've googled my little heart away and found little to nothing. (and there's certainly no selection for me in styles i'd really wear!) my sister calls most of them "vintage"... like a 20s era cone bra that goes halfway down to your belly button. i just. will. not. wear. that! i just don't go for cone-ish boobs. if you happen to own this bra---------------->
then please take no offense... it's just not for me.
i did find 1 (one!) at lane bryant. now, mind you, they have TONS of cute bras that they carry in a whole gamut of sizes. (like my favorite, 56B!) but they have 1 (yes ONE!) that they carry in 38I. and it was on clearance. so i ordered it immediately. i don't want to buy 3 or 4 and then outgrow them next month. so i just ordered one. nordstrom's had one as well- it was $88. i didn't order that one. (i'm almost that desperate- but not quite.)
jeez, where do i go from here? i wasn't a G with max until the second trimester. so who knows what the fleck will transform me into! i could be an M or something... i shudder to think. i really hope that nursing will bring me back down to a reasonable size. otherwise i'm just going to have to gain a ton of weight to offset a really enormous chest!
resources, anyone? where can i get non-plus sized large cup sizes? pleeeeease help! i'm out of options.
(anyone have the number to omar the tent maker?)

feb 26- the nervous nancy in me

fear is the mind killer. (yes, i'm that much of a nerd.)
if i let it, fear could really consume me for the next few months. i've really been trying to focus on positive things... to think about things that are good and pure... to have faith that everything is going to be ok- no matter how things turn out. it is hard! but it's something that thadd and i are helping each other with everyday.
it's interesting how we deal with our worries in such a different way. thadd really didn't seem excited about the pregnancy from about week 4 until about this week. (he was, of course, excited when we first found out.) and by excited i mean outwardly giddy like he was with max. i, on the otherhand, started a blog and threw myself into this pregnancy whole heartedly. somehow thinking my dedication would keep the baby healthy. :) who knows the right answer? pregnancy after loss, especially multiple losses, is such an individual experience. even if you've been through it (and i've recieved so much help from families who have) how you've handled things and the way you view things is always so different from another person. so it's not surprising that a man and a woman in the SAME family would handle it differently. now thadd's reading all the books again, coming up with "did you knows?" about the baby's growth.. he's touching my belly and chasing me with a camera. it's nice change of pace for us both to be at the same level of excitement once again.
but, excited as i am, i've lately been giving over to my nervousness more than i should! i feel bad, i've already emailed my doctor- THIS WEEK! i bet i'm not the only crazy patient she has either. i feel bad for being a little crazy, but i just need someone to say, "chill out!"....and... maybe another ultrasound just for my own comfort.... :)

feb 23- the appointment

everything went well today. i got a full exam, ick, and everything was where it was supposed to be. they did a pap too. (like, seriously, how many of those things does a girl need?!) my boobs are ok... but i'm supposed to start getting mammograms in a few years, since every woman in my family has had cancer.
after the exam part, i got to go into the dr's office and talk to her for a while about how things will go this time around. she was sooo great. i really love the dr. i have, and she answered all of my questions and is really longsuffering with me.

the game plan:
appointments every 2 weeks for the remainder of the 2nd trimester.
ultrasounds once a month for the remainder of the second trimester.
continue on lovenox and baby aspirin everyday.(my belly says ouch)
taking a set of liver panels and a 24 hour urine sample to get a baseline for comparison later.
possible quad screen. (thadd and i haven't decided if we want that this time around or not.)
beginning 3rd trimester bi-weekly ultrasounds, and fetal heart monitoring at least weekly.

feb 19- tech

i finally got my computer back from being repaired... and now my printer/scanner won't install. still working on getting my pictures up... it will be soooon!

feb 18- bo that deserves it's own post.... yes, it's that bad.

typically i don't even bother with deodorant. i know.. it sounds gross.. but i just usually don't need it in my day to day life. well, the last week or so things sure have changed!
i have concerns with aluminum... and clogging my underarms in a way that my body can't do what it really wants to do. (did you know that as people- we're supposed to sweat? imagine that!) so... i looked all over for a non- antiperspirant. just a deodorant please. they have all sorts of them for men... but for women... i guess it's not really feminine to sweat at all! :) i finally found one- and it works great- for about half a day. if i don't shower at least once a day- gasp!- and put on deodorant immediately, and again later... then it's pretty much over with me for the day. let's just say i wouldn't be "sure" enough to play volleyball, or raise my hand in a class, or to hug a friend... or put my arm around my husband.. i smelled so bad yesterday that i think thadd's eyes were watering. hehe...
ahh.. the joys of pregnancy. :)

feb 18- some of my thoughts.

i have to say.. i saw a heartbeat weeks ago right around 6 weeks.... and i don't know how anyone could look at an ultrasound even from the very earliest ones... and choose to end that life. it's so obviously a child. a living being.
i'm not even quite 12 weeks now. yesterday we saw the brain, the ribs, the spine, all the fingers and toes, we saw the little nose and chin. we saw it all...and by law we could still choose to kill that child. it is a travesty in our world that we allow the most dangerous place for children to be their mother's womb.

feb 17- 12 week graduation!

today we graduated from the infertility clinic to the ob clinic. yay!
(with our socialist healthcare plan it's all free- which is nice, i won't lie. but we can't be seen in the ob clinic until we're more than 12 weeks along, even though we're high risk. and that appointment i had to book more than a month out. absurd! don't vote for socialized healthcare! so the infertility clinic was awesome to see us weekly through our first trimester.)
it was an AMAZING ultrasound experience! i know i've said that every single time. but, well, it's true.
friday is my next appointment.
i keep promising to post pictures... and i'm about to start!

feb 16- a tiny bit heavy in the belly

so.. as you can tell from my previous and extra long post... we have our computer back!!! yay! which means it will only be a matter of time before i'm able to properly scan in and post all my ultrasound pictures to date! i have another doctors appt tomorrow. so i'll have another one then. (i should also get the results from the pint of blood they took from me last week.)
on the ickiness front i'm doing better. the nausea is almost completely gone. i'm just really dizzy and tired all the time. i think i'm supposed to feel more energetic soon.... right? :) i still can't really stand the smell of meat... particularly cooking meat at certain times of the day.
i am having trouble sleeping... insomnia and restlessness in full force! it's like wow- where's my snoodle? (i've already got thadd's agreement that it's coming out of the march budget. sleep is just way too important to miss.)
on a high note my excessive ear wax has calmed down a little. haha!
a few days ago i actually had the "heavy" sensation in my belly for the first time. i don't think i noticed it with max... but i'm conscious of every detail with the fleck. it's actually a neat experience to feel everything a little sooner, and know what's going on with my body. (and the baby) my sister has me all neurotic about feeling the kicks. she's convinced i should feel them like... this week! (i looked up the "normal" and it said between 14 and 26 weeks.) i think i still have some time to go. :)
so i'll keep you all updated on a much more regular basis. and soon i'll be posting belly pics. thadd's actually really excited about watching my belly get bigger. (or maybe he's excited because that means the BABY is bigger!) he's chasing me around with a camera. you can definitely see a little pooch (below my fat pooch.) right above my pelvic bone... and it's hard as a rock! what a crazy thing- to have a little person growing in my abdomen!

feb 14- mini breakdown (hard to write, hard to read)

i was on the way to pick up thadd tonight... and for some reason the fact that i'm pregnant really hit me for the first time... and the implications of that really hit me. i began thinking about my time in the hospital (about 2 weeks) and that led me to contemplate what the most horrific part of that experience was. (i know, right? what a great train of thought!)
there were many things that were hard about that experience. i thought first about the pain of my major organs shutting down. (since that's what i felt first.) they tried to convince me that it was gas- believe me, liver failure doesn't feel like gas! that pain was like nothing i've ever felt. it felt like someone had reached into my abdomen and was wrenching my liver out. but that wasn't the worst.
after i was admitted i was on so many meds i don't even really remember the whole week following. i know many people came to visit. amy was there...betty came, and my mom, and my husband... but i couldn't really keep one day straight from the next. even the actual loss of max... it was really not something that i dealt with for another week or so. so that wasn't the most horrific experience while at the hospital. and from the time they induced me it was several days before i delivered.
the labor... now that was painful. i was on fentanyl... which is a pretty strong opioid.. so it made me tweek out a little. i was itching like crazy. so they gave me benadryl. that made me sleepy, but stopped the itching. i guess that someone decided that benadryl wasn't the best... so they gave me something else ( i have no idea what)... and that actually counter acted the fentanyl and made the pain more pronounced than if i had been on nothing at all. (thanks, right?) but even the actual labor wasn't so bad. i mean, it really hurt... but it gave me confidence that i can have natural childbirth in the future and be ok. and it was something that i knew had to happen.. and it really was a starting over point in a way. i needed to have max, in order to let him go.
the worst part of it all, hands down, was the magnesium sulphate. which is a little weird. at the time i really just muscled through it... but looking back it made me really scared. i don't want that again. maybe it just really stands out as a representation of the whole experience.. .but as i was driving i was brought to tears with fear of being in the hospital... and the feeling of being put on that stuff again. i don't know if any of you have ever been on it before...(i would love to know if you have).. but being on it (properly) isn't so bad... it's the PUTTING you on it that is the kicker. it feels like your whole body has been lit on fire from the inside... like they're pumping acid into your veins. (and no, i'm not exaggerating. it's terrible.) once your body adjusts to it you just feel really lethargic. (the first night they gave me too high of a dose- i couldn't lift my head and was drooling out of my mouth. i realized how people who have no control over their bodies feel-it was incredibly frustrating.) when on the right dosage i could still sort of move around... with a little help to roll over and such... i think the reason that this stands out in my mind is because i was taken off of it about 3 times and put back on. if i had just been on it for the whole time i think the experience would have been much easier. (because as i said, it's the initial putting you on it that is so dreadfully uncomfortable.) but every time i was taken off i would have mini- seizures or be hyperreflexive... and back on the mag-sulphate for me.
whew. so... after thinking about it rationally, i realize that a)i'm probably not going to get eclampsia again, and b) if i get pre-eclampsia, i prbably will not get hellp syndrome... and c) even if i do... i would be ok- even if they had to put me on the meds again.
that's the decision we made when we decided to have another child. so as i would never hope to lose another child, or go through any of the things we went through with max, i am ready for whatever happens. that's sort of what this life is... just being ready, and accepting the things we cannot change. i hope and pray for the health of my child and myself daily... i pray for wisdom that thadd and i might make good decisions about our future in every regard... but in the end god's will will be done, despite our decisions. (and don't forget time and chance happen to everyone- ecc. 9.11. i don't care for the view that god is micro- managing every aspect of our lives. i'm not saying he isn't, i'm just saying we have to be careful what we attribute to him since we can't know what exactly he's setting in motion and what is happening randomly.)
i get so many people that say.. "how could god let this happen"...or even christians who say "i don't know how you're so strong." maybe they're just trying to compliment me. but really when i look at it in a big picture way... i realize, maybe more in times of tragedy than in times of joy, that this life is really only for one purpose- to serve god. and all the other things that happen along the way- good or bad- are just incidental... it's how we deal with these things that makes us who we are. we can draw on a relationship with god for strength and comfort... or we can let a tragedy paralyze us. i realize that if we lose another baby it will be a devastating blow to our marriage, to our families, it will be extremely disheartening and honestly i don't know where we will go from there. but, that said, it is a possibility, and one that we have to come to terms with. i'm not especially strong... or even especially enlightened in the "big picture"... but i do realize that bad things happen to good people (and bad) everyday... that god's love isn't about me being happy and fulfilled only here on earth... this earth is about me being happy and fulfilled with only god's love. everything else is just a blessing.

feb 6- watching wiggles

it was so amazing over the past few weeks to see the gummy bear grow arms and legs, and then today... to see them moving around!
i had a stomach virus last week. which is not what you want- trust me. apparently i have to get it about once a year. so i spent about 12 hours in the hospital and got 4 bags of fluids. my bilirubin levels were elevated, so i got to get transported to the hospital (from the clinic) in an ambulance. woo-hoo! riding backwards in an ambulance, pregnant, with a stomach virus, on hawaiian roads.. this is also an experience i'll tell you to skip.
they never did find out why my levels were elevated... said it just could be random. so hopefully everything is good with that.
i'm still having some odd cravings and aversions. i guess i'm just going to have to get used to passing on steak for at least the next few months. i've started eating ketchup on my eggs- which i haven't done since i was about 13. and i really can't stand the taste of soda. i keep thinking "mmm.. i'd really like a coke" then i get it and i can only drink a couple of sips.. it's just too sweet and syrupy. ick.
thadd is convinced that the fleck is a girl. mostly due to the fact that i've been a little moody. just a little. with max, and all my prior pregnancies i've been super sweet and so considerate. just as loving as can be. notsomuch this time. :) but i'm trying to not go all crazy pregnant woman on him. :)
i've been having really crazy dizzy spells lately too. i guess i'm like a victorian era woman... just swooning while i'm with child. the doc said it's normal. probably due to all the extra blood my body is starting to have to pump around. he said just not to exert myself, get up slowly... the usual.
i am still periodically having spotting. in fact i was very nervous about my ultrasound today.. that things might not turn out so great. but they did. and the doctor said that some people spot their whole pregnancy.. etc.etc. blah blah... doesn't make me feel any better... blah blah. but at least i'm confident for today. and that's really what i have to do. just take it one day at a time.
as i mentioned above... the weekly ultrasounds should make you jealous. watching the baby grow in such a detailed way is really an amazing experience. we're really happy to be able to follow this baby so closely.
i've had my ob registration appointment. (where they order bloodwork, and you do a ton of paperwork.) and will have my first real ob appt. on feb 20. i got the bloodwork done today. i think they took a pint and a half.
my computer is still on the lam. but i should have it back hopefully early next week.. so i'll be able to keep more updates on here.
again, thanks for all of your support!
i scanned in all my recent pictures- but the lab here on base doesn't have a very good scanner. i'm just going to wait. sorry! i promise to have them up next week! 4 more pictures then!