feb 14- mini breakdown (hard to write, hard to read)

i was on the way to pick up thadd tonight... and for some reason the fact that i'm pregnant really hit me for the first time... and the implications of that really hit me. i began thinking about my time in the hospital (about 2 weeks) and that led me to contemplate what the most horrific part of that experience was. (i know, right? what a great train of thought!)
there were many things that were hard about that experience. i thought first about the pain of my major organs shutting down. (since that's what i felt first.) they tried to convince me that it was gas- believe me, liver failure doesn't feel like gas! that pain was like nothing i've ever felt. it felt like someone had reached into my abdomen and was wrenching my liver out. but that wasn't the worst.
after i was admitted i was on so many meds i don't even really remember the whole week following. i know many people came to visit. amy was there...betty came, and my mom, and my husband... but i couldn't really keep one day straight from the next. even the actual loss of max... it was really not something that i dealt with for another week or so. so that wasn't the most horrific experience while at the hospital. and from the time they induced me it was several days before i delivered.
the labor... now that was painful. i was on fentanyl... which is a pretty strong opioid.. so it made me tweek out a little. i was itching like crazy. so they gave me benadryl. that made me sleepy, but stopped the itching. i guess that someone decided that benadryl wasn't the best... so they gave me something else ( i have no idea what)... and that actually counter acted the fentanyl and made the pain more pronounced than if i had been on nothing at all. (thanks, right?) but even the actual labor wasn't so bad. i mean, it really hurt... but it gave me confidence that i can have natural childbirth in the future and be ok. and it was something that i knew had to happen.. and it really was a starting over point in a way. i needed to have max, in order to let him go.
the worst part of it all, hands down, was the magnesium sulphate. which is a little weird. at the time i really just muscled through it... but looking back it made me really scared. i don't want that again. maybe it just really stands out as a representation of the whole experience.. .but as i was driving i was brought to tears with fear of being in the hospital... and the feeling of being put on that stuff again. i don't know if any of you have ever been on it before...(i would love to know if you have).. but being on it (properly) isn't so bad... it's the PUTTING you on it that is the kicker. it feels like your whole body has been lit on fire from the inside... like they're pumping acid into your veins. (and no, i'm not exaggerating. it's terrible.) once your body adjusts to it you just feel really lethargic. (the first night they gave me too high of a dose- i couldn't lift my head and was drooling out of my mouth. i realized how people who have no control over their bodies feel-it was incredibly frustrating.) when on the right dosage i could still sort of move around... with a little help to roll over and such... i think the reason that this stands out in my mind is because i was taken off of it about 3 times and put back on. if i had just been on it for the whole time i think the experience would have been much easier. (because as i said, it's the initial putting you on it that is so dreadfully uncomfortable.) but every time i was taken off i would have mini- seizures or be hyperreflexive... and back on the mag-sulphate for me.
whew. so... after thinking about it rationally, i realize that a)i'm probably not going to get eclampsia again, and b) if i get pre-eclampsia, i prbably will not get hellp syndrome... and c) even if i do... i would be ok- even if they had to put me on the meds again.
that's the decision we made when we decided to have another child. so as i would never hope to lose another child, or go through any of the things we went through with max, i am ready for whatever happens. that's sort of what this life is... just being ready, and accepting the things we cannot change. i hope and pray for the health of my child and myself daily... i pray for wisdom that thadd and i might make good decisions about our future in every regard... but in the end god's will will be done, despite our decisions. (and don't forget time and chance happen to everyone- ecc. 9.11. i don't care for the view that god is micro- managing every aspect of our lives. i'm not saying he isn't, i'm just saying we have to be careful what we attribute to him since we can't know what exactly he's setting in motion and what is happening randomly.)
i get so many people that say.. "how could god let this happen"...or even christians who say "i don't know how you're so strong." maybe they're just trying to compliment me. but really when i look at it in a big picture way... i realize, maybe more in times of tragedy than in times of joy, that this life is really only for one purpose- to serve god. and all the other things that happen along the way- good or bad- are just incidental... it's how we deal with these things that makes us who we are. we can draw on a relationship with god for strength and comfort... or we can let a tragedy paralyze us. i realize that if we lose another baby it will be a devastating blow to our marriage, to our families, it will be extremely disheartening and honestly i don't know where we will go from there. but, that said, it is a possibility, and one that we have to come to terms with. i'm not especially strong... or even especially enlightened in the "big picture"... but i do realize that bad things happen to good people (and bad) everyday... that god's love isn't about me being happy and fulfilled only here on earth... this earth is about me being happy and fulfilled with only god's love. everything else is just a blessing.

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