good news and some reflection

so... i haven't had any more spotting in the last few days. YAY! i'm still reallllly aching for an ultrasound. i'm driving myself crazy with worry. (though i know it doesn't do any good.) i'm really doing my part on the morning sickness front now. i pretty much ruined dinner last night by being so nauseated by the smell of cooking food that i couldn't even come into that side of the house. (all that sounded good was arby's curly fries. and let's be real folks- those always sound good! thanks to kate for getting those for me!) and then i threw up twice this morning getting ready for church. and once during the lesson. (no it wasn't berry's lesson.) i ALMOST didn't make it. the front left pew to the back right of the building is a long walk (nonchalantly fast so as not to draw too much attention) for a nauseated pregnant woman!
all of this is happening... and while we're here we also have to make some decisions on what to do with max's ashes. we've pretty much decided... but there's still some finality in having to make decisions like that. there's some closure that hasn't yet happened. so, when we've had time to ourselves to discuss this i've inevitably ended up crying. last night i cried for max like i haven't cried in months. it felt good... but also made me feel a little guilty. i hadn't forgotten max- far from it. but i hadn't really mourned in a while. and wow do i miss him now. with the fleck on the way... it makes everything so raw. and others i know are expecting, and having children... and being around my nephew so much. it makes me really miss having a 2 month old in my arms on this trip. (or a 2 or 3 year old, which is what we would have if i hadn't lost my earlier pregnancies.) and of course, i don't' think picking a place for ashes to be scattered or buried is ever an easy thing.

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