july 13- sprinting

wow... what a day. and now it's 1am and i haven't pumped and i feel obligated to do an update! i have so much to share and need to get to bed. so here's an overview:

-she's having her 3rd newborn screen. abnormal adrenal this time. the thyroid and abnormal protein came back ok on the second one. the doc says that they use term infant standards, so it's normal that she'll be off. my question: why do they keep doing a test, using standards for older babies, knowing that she will fail? at least it's only an extra heel stick every 3 weeks or so.

-her twice weekly test came back fine. but her crit is down from 33 to 30. the last time she got a transfusion she was at 20! i'm not sure if they'll let her get quite so low again...

-she does have an eye exam coming up soon. this week i think. no ROP, no ROP, no ROP, stop!

-they decided during rounds to put her on 2, 2 hour sprints a day! woo-hoo! go baby bird!

- they decided to lower her cpap air pressures to 5. (from 6)

-during the first sprint today the nurse put her on nasal canula for about 45 seconds and decided that she "failed".. she told the doc and he said that she could try again tomorrow. things to keep in mind: she took off the cpap, and situated the canula without giving her any oxygen, causing her to desat. she had the canula set on only 50% oxygen at 2liters. the 2liters is pretty high, but the 50 isn't that much when she's been in the 30s on the cpap. yesterday she was started at 100% and the nurse weened her down to the 30-40 range.(and she did well for an hour and a half, and probably could have gone longer.) she also did all this while wren was having a poop. i said "it looks like she's pooping". and "she usually desats when she poops". and she still decided to change her mask right then. :/ grr. i hate when they don't really give her a chance. i guess they all have their own reasons why. this nurse said "well, it's really no rush. you know she's going to be in here for a while anyway. there's no need to make it hard for her." and while i understand these things, lots of other things come into play.. like eating! she can't breastfeed until she's on the canula for a while and they let her have practice at it. and she'll gain weight when her feedings get right. and as she gets bigger her lungs will do better. etc. etc. etc. also, there's just the mommy in me who doesn't want to see her "failed" without the opportunity to try. so, tomorrow, i'm going to be telling them exactly how to do it. i can't believe, yet again, how much of this is subjective.

-the nurse raised her cpap from 5 back to 6. "she was having more desats on 5". well, only the good lord knows how long she let her stay at 5! 45 seconds? hehe. i guess i'm just being catty now. upon questioning, she replied "they were revolving (she fixed them herself without intervention), and they weren't that bad". then why was it changed? sidenote: the nurse was SUPER sweet and i really got along with her well. i just don't think she should be able to undo progress without any oversight. or any of them for that matter. i wish the doctors didn't just listen to what they say and take it as gospel. i was there for HOURS today (while thadd took his parents to pearl harbor) and she didn't have many desats at all while her pressures were reading 4! literally, they read about 4 the entire time i was there and her sats were fine.

-tonight mim held and she did awesome! she sated 100% almost the whole time and got weened down to 30%! it was hard for us to leave with her so snuggled in and doing well. but it was SO late...

-i got to comfort my little bird for the first time today. when i was going to hold her she started really throwing a bit of a tantrum. flailing arms, crying, the whole bit. i held her, (kangaroo, of course), rocked, and rubbed her back and she cooed and drifted off to sleep. it was amazing!!!

i think i'm actually starting to bond with wren in a way i didn't at first. i don't know if term mommies can relate. (maybe you can?) or maybe even late preemies... but having a 1ish pound baby with all sorts of possibilities for complications... that you can't hold. i guess that really had an impact on my ability to bond with her. i don't know if she feels the same way... sheesh. hadn't thought of that until i just wrote it. anyway, the past week or so i've really felt differently. i really WANT to hold her, to cuddle with her, to nap with her, to care for her, in a way that i sort of faked before. (i know, i'm terrible. but its a strange time... i promise.) i don't know if it comes from guilt, fear, depression, or what... people would reference me as "mommy" or "momma" and i just didn't feel it. as much as we wanted her and tried to have her and all that- i just wasn't a mother. i'm not sure if i am yet- but i'm getting there. i love her more and more every day.

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