am i the only one struggling to connect with my baby?

this is what you expect: this is what you get:

i thought it was time to do another post on this issue after reading some of the replies to this question on thebump.com preemie message board. the issue of bonding and preemieness is SUCH a common one. but i have to say, even i didn't have the courage to talk about it in the first few weeks of wren's little life....

seeing her in that isolette (plastic box), not being able to take care of her (nurses constantly over my shoulder- telling me what to do, and how to do it), constant fear of attachment (there are so many things that could take away this little life), she is so fragile (what if i do something wrong and hurt her?), i feel like she won't love me (look what happened to her! i couldn't even keep her in my womb and care for her like i should have. the guilt is so heavy), there's so much to learn (throw out what i thought i knew about being a mommy, and any tiny bit of security on the subject).

kudos for the mommy who posted the question... that takes courage and honesty- something we should all have more of. (i've chopped them a bit, but hopefully got the intended point across, if you'd like yours taken down or changed just let me know.) here are some of the responses:

"Your body is very likely in panic mode. Your emotions are just on the back burner while you deal with what is essentially an "emergency situation."

- i had never thought about it this way... but it's sooo true... i've often heard that preemie parents can have a form of ptsd. just dealing with all the trauma and loss of pregnancy and stress of baby's (and often mommy's) health is a lot to ask.

"While Zoe was in the NICU, and even once she came home, I was in crisis mode. Letting myself bond with her was a slow process of leaving crisis mode and slowly releasing my fear, worry, and hyper watchfulness for/of my daughter.
Zoe is my first child and I don't have anything to compare the process by which I felt bonded to her to. I would say it took many many months and was never a sudden feeling. In all honesty the process is still happening now."

-ditto. i haven't gotten to take wren home yet. but i feel more and more like her mom everyday.

"While in the NICU things that helped for me included (once they would let me do them): kangaroo care as often as they would let me, being there for feedings once we started to nipple her, giving her a bath, changing her diapers myself, and doing other "cares", dressing her and changing out her isolette, and just sitting there reading to her. I was in a different situation, I had only one and no other children at home and I was off work the whole time she was in the NICU. I say those things helped in the NICU and they did, but I didn't feel really really bonded with her until after we were home."

- i can't agree with this mommy more. the only way that i started to feel connected was to care for her, cuddle her, and comfort her. i would add in too that information and actively being part of wren's care helped me feel like a mom. (though i'm sure the docs and nurses hate me for it! :)

as well as being there for proceedures and tests to "contain" her, or soothe her with words or holding a dummy or whatnot.

"Zoey has been home with us since May, and I am just starting to feel like her mom. I feel confident and more connected to the rest of the world, and I think she feels it, too. Be patient with yourself."

- what a great point. you know, being married to a sociology major, i have to bring up social interactionism. (the theory that we see ourselves through other people's eyes.) i hadn't really applied it to preemie mommyhood. but i HATE having baby fat (not much, since my little one only cooked about half of what she was supposed to) and no baby to show for it. i HATE buying baby stuff and being given a gift reciept. i HATE seeing other mommies with their babies and feeling like i'm some sort of three eyed monster who leaves my kid with strangers across town. part of what makes this so hard is being a mom, and no one in the whole wide world realizing it when they see you- you're missing the kid. the other day one of the nurses was laughing about me getting spit up on. i believe i replied something like, "it means i'm holding my baby, my baby's eating, and possibly that i'm feeding her. i can't begrudge the spit up." in essense, it's proof that i'm a mommy. take that skinny girls- i have spit up on my shirt, i'm allowed the gut and gigantic boobs.

"It is very normal. When DS was in the NICU and even first home I didn't feel a bond with him. I liked him, but I just didn't really feel like he was mine. I really think it has to do with not being able to make decisions for/about them."

- i liked wren. as i've said recently, i loved her in an "everybaby" sort of way. in an "i hope this baby makes it out of this" way... but now, i'm beginning, just beginning to love her in a "this little poop machine is mine and i can't get enough of her" way.

"I remember about 2 weeks after Lily was born finally telling her that I loved her when we left for the day, and I wondered why it hadn't occured to me to say this sooner. "

- i think it took much longer than that for me. in fact, i still don't say it all that often. i cry everytime i do. i'm crying now just thinking about it.

"To be perfect honest, I was almost scared of my son at first! I was scared of what was to come, I was a little disappointed in myself, and he looked a little scary (red skin, very skinny, tubes, etc...)"

- so true. for those of you who've only had experience with termies, take how you feel looking at the picture, subtract my baby, add your baby, now multiply by your freaked-outness by 10, that's how preemie parents feel.

"In the NICU, any time something quasi-normal would happen, we'd (us and any of the other parents around us) always say "like a real baby." The nurses would always correct us and say "he IS a real baby" or just look as us like we were nuts. I don't think they get how surreal the whole thing feels as parents. "

- if you read me much or talk to me often, you know i say this all the time. and i almost always get the same response or look from people and nurses.

september 5- treading water

we're stuck here till wednesday... though i suppose i should just be happy we have a date! haha.. which is more than i ever really thought we'd have.

hmph.


i can't stay away from her now. it's strange.. now that i know she's coming home i feel like she's really mine. it's almost like i feel they gave me my daughter- now she's mine and i can barely leave her to sleep. i actually walked down just to hold her a little bit ago, i roused her just to hold her.. i haven't done that in a long while.

she's been taking around 100ml at each bottle feeding! i think that they may have been underfeeding her for the past month at least. when she was still getting some feeds gavaged they had her at only 45ml. she's taken more than that for the past few weeks from day 1 of being on an ad lib schedule. (ad lib means they feed her as much as she wants, whenever she wants. or, they call me whenever she wants to nurse for as long as she wants. :) right away she was taking at least 80ml by bottle. she now weighs 5lb 7oz! and has been gaining weight like the champ that she is. or heifer that she is. that's my little pet name for you wren- heifer... though i suppose little bird is a bit more endearing.

i'll be rooming in on tuesday night with the oxygen equipment just to make sure that i'm confident with it. then wednesday, it's off to the nest!

july 22- THE bath

 

her first time being wet 

 

  

drying off her body

 

washing her head

 

drying her off

 

getting her baby lotion massage

 

  

  

snuggled in wearing her cute outfit.

july 13- sprinting

wow... what a day. and now it's 1am and i haven't pumped and i feel obligated to do an update! i have so much to share and need to get to bed. so here's an overview:

-she's having her 3rd newborn screen. abnormal adrenal this time. the thyroid and abnormal protein came back ok on the second one. the doc says that they use term infant standards, so it's normal that she'll be off. my question: why do they keep doing a test, using standards for older babies, knowing that she will fail? at least it's only an extra heel stick every 3 weeks or so.

-her twice weekly test came back fine. but her crit is down from 33 to 30. the last time she got a transfusion she was at 20! i'm not sure if they'll let her get quite so low again...

-she does have an eye exam coming up soon. this week i think. no ROP, no ROP, no ROP, stop!

-they decided during rounds to put her on 2, 2 hour sprints a day! woo-hoo! go baby bird!

- they decided to lower her cpap air pressures to 5. (from 6)

-during the first sprint today the nurse put her on nasal canula for about 45 seconds and decided that she "failed".. she told the doc and he said that she could try again tomorrow. things to keep in mind: she took off the cpap, and situated the canula without giving her any oxygen, causing her to desat. she had the canula set on only 50% oxygen at 2liters. the 2liters is pretty high, but the 50 isn't that much when she's been in the 30s on the cpap. yesterday she was started at 100% and the nurse weened her down to the 30-40 range.(and she did well for an hour and a half, and probably could have gone longer.) she also did all this while wren was having a poop. i said "it looks like she's pooping". and "she usually desats when she poops". and she still decided to change her mask right then. :/ grr. i hate when they don't really give her a chance. i guess they all have their own reasons why. this nurse said "well, it's really no rush. you know she's going to be in here for a while anyway. there's no need to make it hard for her." and while i understand these things, lots of other things come into play.. like eating! she can't breastfeed until she's on the canula for a while and they let her have practice at it. and she'll gain weight when her feedings get right. and as she gets bigger her lungs will do better. etc. etc. etc. also, there's just the mommy in me who doesn't want to see her "failed" without the opportunity to try. so, tomorrow, i'm going to be telling them exactly how to do it. i can't believe, yet again, how much of this is subjective.

-the nurse raised her cpap from 5 back to 6. "she was having more desats on 5". well, only the good lord knows how long she let her stay at 5! 45 seconds? hehe. i guess i'm just being catty now. upon questioning, she replied "they were revolving (she fixed them herself without intervention), and they weren't that bad". then why was it changed? sidenote: the nurse was SUPER sweet and i really got along with her well. i just don't think she should be able to undo progress without any oversight. or any of them for that matter. i wish the doctors didn't just listen to what they say and take it as gospel. i was there for HOURS today (while thadd took his parents to pearl harbor) and she didn't have many desats at all while her pressures were reading 4! literally, they read about 4 the entire time i was there and her sats were fine.

-tonight mim held and she did awesome! she sated 100% almost the whole time and got weened down to 30%! it was hard for us to leave with her so snuggled in and doing well. but it was SO late...

-i got to comfort my little bird for the first time today. when i was going to hold her she started really throwing a bit of a tantrum. flailing arms, crying, the whole bit. i held her, (kangaroo, of course), rocked, and rubbed her back and she cooed and drifted off to sleep. it was amazing!!!

i think i'm actually starting to bond with wren in a way i didn't at first. i don't know if term mommies can relate. (maybe you can?) or maybe even late preemies... but having a 1ish pound baby with all sorts of possibilities for complications... that you can't hold. i guess that really had an impact on my ability to bond with her. i don't know if she feels the same way... sheesh. hadn't thought of that until i just wrote it. anyway, the past week or so i've really felt differently. i really WANT to hold her, to cuddle with her, to nap with her, to care for her, in a way that i sort of faked before. (i know, i'm terrible. but its a strange time... i promise.) i don't know if it comes from guilt, fear, depression, or what... people would reference me as "mommy" or "momma" and i just didn't feel it. as much as we wanted her and tried to have her and all that- i just wasn't a mother. i'm not sure if i am yet- but i'm getting there. i love her more and more every day.