may 4- gender disappointment

... i'm feeling a little uneasy about having a little girl. i thought i was ready, that i'd flipped the switch in my mind. but as i get closer and closer, and feel more of her kicks... it becomes more "real"... and i'm just not so sure.
the other day i bought wren's first outfit. (much to the chagrin of her gigi- i'm counting THIS as her first outfit... i'm the mommy, i can do that!) when i walked into the baby section, this time, just like all the previous times, my eye is immediately drawn to the little boy stuff. as i made myself turn and go into the girl section (which is ALWAYS much larger!) i was brought to tears... looking at all the adorable outfits with frills and flowers. i had to stifle the tears (being that i was in public) but came to the conclusion that i was definitely not at peace with having a girl yet.
of course, little girl stuff is cute, and i can relate to a little girl... blah blah blah. but when it comes right down to it, i really wanted a boy. there, i said it. i wanted a boy.
1) just plain, being in "boy mode". when we were pregnant with max, thadd got me SO worried about having a boy. (unintentionally of course!) but he really wanted a boy and talked about "him" all the time. then, max was a boy! and we were ready for having a boy! and we looked at all the boy stuff, and talked about rites of passage, and things we were going to do with him. (thadd is really into "raising boys" and has read just about EVERY book on the subject.) so, when we got pregnant again, (even though we both thought right off the bat it was a girl), i just assumed it would be a boy again.
2) that somehow, it would lessen the loss of max if i could have another son. that the hole in my heart could be filled by another little boy. realistically i know that this is crazy... and that max will always have a special place in my heart... can anyone relate to this? do you know what i mean? i guess that it is just an "unmet expectation".... it's an open ended chapter in my life. i
guess numbers 1 & 2 are really part of the same.

thadd, on the other hand, really has made the switch! (and originally he was the one who wanted the boy!) he's talking about tea parties and dating rules and all sorts of stuff. he's rubbing my belly and singing to her and feeling the kicks and watching my belly bounce when she's going crazy in there. it's helping me to be more excited, and i'm thankful to him for that. (he even wants to go clothes shopping... he points out the cute stuff.)

overall, i know we are extremely blessed to have this little bird and we are truly happy that she is healthy. gender disappointment is stupid. and as soon as i'm over it, i'll let you know.

1 comment:

Missy said...

I can kind of relate. When I was pregnant with Logan, before the ultrasound I really started to want a little girl and it took some time to get used to the idea of having a boy. Then, we I got pregnant with Ashley, before the ultrasound I was wanting another boy because I already knew what to expect. But now that Ashley is here we are so happy to have her in our lives and see her in her cute pink and purple outfits.