may 28- trying to stay positive...

i feel like i'm becoming "that person"... there's so much drama in my life right now. i'm all about full disclosure- and i really wanted this blog to encourage other people who've had high risk pregnancies... i thought it would also help me to work through my feelings. but lately i haven't felt like sharing- i think i'm just feeling beat down and silly and dependent on others for help/prayers constantly. this pregnancy is a roller coaster, and will continue to be..
are you bored with this? i am getting depressed and bored and tired. i wonder if other high risk moms feel this way. we knew going into this pregnancy that there were risks- and that things could happen- but apparently 26 weeks of uncertainty is about where i draw the line. are we planning on doing this again? as of now- we don't know.
i'm just tired. i am just emotionally drained now. i long with every fiber of my being for wren to be safe and healthy and happy.... and the not knowing is soooo hard! i ENVY all of you women who will get pregnant and have children without much of a second thought to anything but morning sickness and drooling! i'm trying to work through my hard feelings about that- i know it doesn't do any good.
i also know that i am blessed! to have my great god, my life, my health, my amazing husband, and this sweet little wren kicking me incessantly! :)
for now, i'm just trying to learn to let that be enough.


Bonnie Bassham said...

One day when you see her smiling or reading, or calling you Mommy...you will know without a doubt that what you went through was more than worth it. I promise you that.
Unlike many other Moms, you will have the benefit of knowing how precious life is and how easily we take the small things for granted. Even our children sometimes. God doesn't owe us that. We have the awesome responsibility to love someone unconditionally as He does, mold them, and teach them to hopefully one day do the same.

And...I know you know all of this. It just helps to remember why you are doing it!

steph said...

I promise we're not bored! I think pregnancy is draining enough without adding the constant stress you have to deal with on top of it. And I completely agree that it's hard not to get upset when women who get pregnant without thinking about it and only deal with morning sickness complain constantly about it. I think you're doing an awesome job by even being able to admit that you have blessings! It's so hard to see those when you're down. Check out Rev 20:4. It's one of the scriptures that help me smile. I hope this helps today!

Meghan said...

I don't have anything to say that will help you feel better--but I love you and am thinking of you. I'm also really excited that you are getting closer and closer to finally having Wren. I'm not going to pretend I know how you're feeling or what you are going through, since I was one of the lucky pregnant women, but I admire you for being so willing to go through with this. Just know we are all praying for you--and it doesn't make you beat down or dependent that you need them. That's why God created prayer : )

girl said...

i just went back through this post. all the "i"s....20 of them...makes me sick! thank you all for the words of encouragement... sorry for the pity party post! it's just been a rough few weeks...

Laura said...

Don't beat yourself up, Charla. You are fabulous, and brave, and wonderful. :) It doesn't matter if there were 20 i's or 50 i's in your last post. Part of what helps you get through this is the support and love you get from others (I hope!) and so you NEED to talk about yourself and what you're going through. I know that somewhere, somehow, there is someone reading your blog and they are going through similar things and NEED to read your posts.

Hang in there girl. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I agree with your friend up there ... someday you will be doing a puzzle with Wren, or teaching her to brush her teeth, and you will smile and think that all you went through was more than worth it.

I wish I could take away your pain, frustration, anxiety and worry.

Love you.