july 30- amazing healing

so, if you read my last big post (here) then you know that wren was diagnosed with ROP, retinopathy of prematurity, stage 2, zone 2, two weeks ago. we were told that if it got any worse, we'd be looking at laser surgery.
here's some information on ROP. the diagram below shows the zones. as you can see, zones 1 & 2 have to have intervention. (whereas zone 3 can usually be left alone.)
today, the doctor said after her exam that he saw no signs of retinopathy! i'm just in shock. i know that god can do miracles. i know that god answers prayers. but to have something so...so... real happen in our lives. it was one way, now it's another... that's just... breath-taking! (of course, it could be that the doctor from the week prior wrote down the wrong information. that would be a MAJOR screw up.. but i guess it is within the realm of possibility.)

her eyes are all puffy from the exam

it seems like the past few years, the lord has definitely lowered the "hedge" around us and our families. (if you know in the book of job satan tells god that he has "put up a hedge" around job and blessed all the work of his hands- and that is why job serves him. he tells god to take that away, and that job will no longer serve him. job 1.8-10 charla standard version :)
anyway. it's just easy to feel like we've had more than our "fair" share of crap as of late. but, i'm reminded of god's answer to job, when job questioned the "justice" he was being denied. (why should bad things happen to good people...faithful people?) god answered, "where were you when i laid the earth's foundation? answer me if you understand." and "have you ever given orders to the morning? or shown the dawn its place..." "would you discredit my justice? would you condemn me to justify yourself?" job answered back "i know you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." (all that is around job 40-42ish.) wow! and that really sums up this life doesn't it? that with all the craziness that happens we can choose to take comfort in god and his plan, or blame him. either way, his will will be done.
rather than drowning in a pool of tears i've decidedly focused on the blessings that we've been given. (well, maybe i'm focusing on those things while swimming in a pool of tears.) and my, how we have been blessed! just as god has allowed us to have adversity in our lives, he has also taken care of our needs, and shown us mercy in so many ways. wren has not had NEC, IVH, she hasn't required extreme amounts of breathing helps, and now she doesn't have ROP. this isn't to say that she won't have problems, but, she's come this far without major hurdles. and that, in and of itself, is a blessing. (now she just needs to get to age 3! i guess i should start with age 0 first!) we also have been taken care of physically and financially. it seems like just when we've spent the last of our money on gas- random money comes our way!

the neonatologist over the nicu spoke with me today for quite some time about wren's development etc. she said that she can't guarantee that what we talked about yesterday won't happen... (she was in the meeting.) but she doesn't expect wren to have any of the severe issues. which at least makes me relax a little. yesterday was a trip! today was a little better. she also said that in her estimation that wren would probably go home in closer to a month. (THANK GOODNESS! but i'm not getting my hopes too high up there.) i talked to her a little more in depth about whether wren is behind. she said that the bout of infection that wren had for a week or so was really wasted time. when she was sick she wasn't developing her lungs at all. she said she's where she should be for having had that spell.

today katie was taking care of her. she did just fine. (yesterday she was having some reflux, really the first reflux of note that i've ever seen. she's also been having some issues with pooping. they think both of these could just be a reaction to being off feeds for a couple of days when she got the blood.) this evening she had a new nurse, she seems like a great lady, and was super caring to wren AND competent! what a combination! :)
wren weighed in at a whopping 3lbs 8oz last night.. she's still in the 10th percentile... but trending up!
i bought the car seat tonight. that was SOOO weird! it's the first big purchase we've made. i'm planning on picking up the co-sleeper this weekend. and finishing up her nook in our room this next week. this is the one i decided on:
i decided that i was going to carry her in a sling or wrap for a good portion of her baby time. lugging around the car seat, or dealing with the hassle of a stroller just seems like too much. especially since we're expecting that she'll be just around 5lbs when she comes home. (of course, i can kick myself later and buy either a universally adaptable stroller, or the britax one that goes with this seat.)
i also decided that i like cow print- who knew?

may 15- good news + bad news = fair news

so, today was my growth scan... and we didn't exactly hear what we wanted to. we'll start with the good news:

wren's organs are all fine. kidneys, heart, brain etc. everything is where it should be, doing what it should be doing. :) what a blessing!!!
her stomach is measuring right on target for gestational age. the doctor (not the normal high risk i see, but the one over her who monitors my case) said that babies in stress typically measure small around the belly, and larger in the head. this is because all of the nutrients go to the brain/heart, and they don't put on the belly weight. so it's a good sign that her belly is round.
her blood flow to all of her organs is good. as well as the blood flow through the umbilical cord to her. (this was how we lost max, a blood clot in the umbilical cord.)
the placenta is fine, and all the fluid is at normal levels.
she measured in the 18% today. they said they don't start to worry until babies get under the 10% range.
thadd and i both were small babies... so she has this going for her. if she continues the "growth arc", and just stays a little smaller than normal, but growing... then everything is peachy!
my monitoring will now be a growth scan every other week... and doppler ultrasounds twice a week.


the bad news:

every other measurement (other than the stomach) is about 1-2 weeks under size. the doctor said that this is due to my APS. of course it is no surprise. we expected that she would have growth restriction at some point. we just wish it wasn't showing up so early. if you remember, at the first ultrasound she measured perfectly! which is think is one of the reasons they know that things aren't as they should be.
at my next ultrasound, in 2 weeks, should wren's growth not show the "arc" that they want they will decide a course of action. this could mean one of 2 things. 1) outpatient steroids, with even closer monitoring and possible c-section following at some time. 2) being admitted to the hospital for 24 hour monitoring and given steroids and having a c-section.

the other good news:

the doc said that she could totally make it. she seemed really positive that everything would be ok if they did have to take her so soon. (even now.) of course there are risks, and problems... but with wren having no other problems there's a good chance for her. especially at 27-28 weeks!
it is a bit of a shock for me though... to think... that i could have this little girl in 3 weeks... i don't really know how to process that information! i'm not all that worried about her, i think she'll be ok. i'm not letting myself think about all the complications of coming so early. but, more just the fact that i thought i was going to have about 3 more months... and now it could be 3 weeks! wow. (i need to unpack my house, clean, decorate, clean, buy baby stuff, clean, unpack some more, rest up, and get ready for a possible hospital stay, followed by weeks of visiting my little bird in the nicu. :/)

we got several really cute pictures. thadd's convinced that she has my chin-poor girl! and we even got a 3d one. the tech got some cute shots, but printed out one that wasn't my favorite. (thadd said that wren looked a little like the elephant man.hehe...) but it was really neat to see her in 3d! give me a week to get the pictures up. my house is a wreck (from moving this past weekend.) and i'm still having to use someone else's scanner to scan them in! (my stupid "all in one" clearly doesn't include "scanning" according to the common definition!)

i'll continue my lovenox at 60mg/day and baby aspirin. you guys continue in prayer...

may 7- counting down- v-day in 3 days!!!

thank you all for your prayers! keep them coming!
i've read that every day in the womb ups the chances of survival by 4%... then after 29 weeks the chances go to 80%. we're hoping that everything will continue to go smoothly. we are SO blessed to have gotten this far!

april 19- a happy day

today wren is starting week 21. most of you know this was the week that max died. we had already found out that there were problems in week 20... and by a few days into week 21 he was gone.

as i look forward to meeting wren, and the rest of the pregnancy... i now have a confidence that i didn't have before... and a hope that maybe, just maybe, everything could turn out ok. i don't think i'll be at peace with having her until i hold her in my arms- and then, i'm sure, a whole new set of worries will be on my heart! :)

tonight we spoke in our small group about prayer, what it is, why we do it, what it can accomplish. in the end i know that god's will supersedes my own... and that whatever is supposed to happen is just exactly what happens. i pray daily for the health of my daughter, hoping that god will see to her safety (and salvation someday). what an amazing avenue we have in prayer! most importantly for me now, i realize that i can cause a change in situations through my pleas to the lord, and that i can give my worries to him. it doesn't do me a bit of good to lose sleep worrying about this little bird.... but it does give me peace to come to that understanding. only god can see to the outcome of our situation.
with that in mind i ask that you all continue in faithful prayers for our wren. (and me too i suppose) that we can make it through as long as possible without any complications. more importantly though, that we can have peace and reliance on the will of our lord.