on christmas eve we got the best present we could have imagined!
i'm pregnant. about 4 weeks along now.
we were both hopeful, but doubtful, since we had only tried for one month. we tried for a year to get pregnant before we conceived max.
of course, after losing max, this is a time of mixed emotion. i've found myself reflecting back on the past year. (what a year...) thinking not only about what this pregnancy could hold, but remembering more about my pregnancy with max, and what we went through. even what he looked like. all the little things that hadn't been in the forefront of my mind. i imagine this same scenario would have played out had we waited 6 years and not 6 months after our loss. memories like that fade, but they're awakened easily.
pure excitement. i envy that. any woman (or couple) who has not had a miscarriage can embrace the total joy of pregnancy... and while we may have more excitement than those who have not had loss, we can't give ourselves over to it. our joy will always be tempered with fear until we hold our child in our arms.
here's wren with her daddy, christmastime 2009
looking back, i realize just how unprepared we were for all of this! it makes me realize that there's never really a "good time"... as much as we tried and tried and as much as we cried and cried... as much as we longed for this sweet little bird to make us a family... we still have normal new parent struggles. whose turn is it to comfort the crying baby? when should we do sleep training? when should we start solids? do we take every doctor's advice? so much goes in to making this little person into who she is going to ultimately become. and the full weight of that is ever more present now than it was a year ago.
but, that's not what this post is supposed to be about. this post is supposed to be about life changes... life stages. a year ago, it was just the two of us.. goofing off, watching movies, going where we pleased-when we pleased! haha... notsomuch now. having a preemie on oxygen is, of course, particularly trying.. bringing about a more striking change than the seemingly (to me) smooth transition into regular parenting. i just can't believe that now we've got a little 6 month old watching star wars with us! (they've been having a marathon- ok? and yes, she loves tv already- i can tell we're going to need to take them out of the house when she gets older!) i can't believe that we've got a little girl in our lives that relies on us entirely! i can't believe that a year ago +1 day, i was wondering if we'd ever have kids... scared, hesitant. now, after being so blessed, we're wondering if we'll ever have MORE kids...scared, hesitant.
from a little fleck in my uterus, to an almost 11lb sweetheart with a smile that just melts your insides... tonight she grabbed a toy and put it in her mouth for the first time! i know, i know. it seems insignificant. but when we're so worried about developmental issues, and proper progression of grasp and coordination.... it just rocks to see your kid stick some plastic in their mouth!
i'm becoming ever more confident in her perfectness. i just pray that she grows up healthy and strong... and i wonder what the year 2010 will bring...
merry christmas eve everyone....
May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas.