june 19pm- one step forward today!

tonight wren was doing much better! it was so much of comfort to see her at peace, able to sleep. thadd got to do kangaroo care for almost 2 hours! it turns out that the nurses really decide individually, based on their own comfort level, whether or not we can hold her while she's ventilated. it annoys me, but i can understand.. there is a lot of risk that the tube could come out while moving her. but she really does well while she's being held. sating in the 90s or so the whole time, and she got weened down to 26% oxygen. (again 21% is room air.)


they've upped her feedings back to 13ml... but they've put the pump on continuous.. rather than for just an hour. it seems really pointless though, because she still has all the same bradys. whatever, it doesn't hurt anything for them to do it that way, so i don't care.
they're also using milk fortifier. which they were a little weird about when i asked what it was. after some research i've discovered that the number one ingredient is cows milk. it also contains soy. (which has hormonal side effects in babies and children.) they said they did this to give her more calories before she would actually be able to tolerate an equivalent amount of calories in a higher quantity of breastmilk. (if i explained that at all!) anyway, if you've seen my little picture over in the margin on this blog you know how i feel about giving cows milk or formula to babies and kids. i'm a pretty big stickler on the breastfeeding front. (although to say all my opinions on this subject would no doubt offend more than half of you, so i'll skip it unless you would like to talk about it... in which case i'm happy to discuss it with you. :) so, as much as i would like her to get the extra calories, thadd and i are really torn about this. we plan on talking to the doctor about it tomorrow. preemies already have so many long term effects to worry about... i just can't see adding to that.
her lungs still have a bunch of gunk... the cultures have come back clean though... so they're going the "it's normal" route. (just like with everything. i swear, the girl could turn neon yellow and start flying and they'd say it was "normal for a preemie"!)
her eyes still have gunk too. it's "normal".

today she tried to climb out of her little "nest". the nurse thought it was pretty funny, and added an extra barricade. the only problem with her little spurts of athleticism is the ventilator... which she could pull out... and have to be intubated AGAIN! she also picks her head up and turns it, which runs the same risk. as well as actually grabbing the tube and pulling. she really wants it out of there.
they also took the picc line out today. YAY! no IV's or lines on her anymore. (though this will undoubtedly change before too long. it's just inevitable. but for now she is free.
i'm sure i'm forgetting so much. i've got to start keeping a notebook with me everyday when i go in to talk to them and visit her... the days and tests are all running together now... it's so overwhelming!
on the breast milk front i'm still doing ok. pumping is a huge hassle... but i'm doing it for wren. :) (thadd says to say it with a smile- the best motivation is false motivation.) i'm getting over 200ml every session now. i'm planning on sending some to my recipient mommy/baby in washington as soon as i get the cooler. one cooler that i send will hold what i pump in a day. right now what i'm pumping in one day will feed wren for 73 feedings. (about) our freezer at home is already full. we're planning on getting a deep freeze this weekend sometime. by the way, if i know you and you need breast milk- let me know! (or if you know anyone who needs it.) i'm just really blessed with supply- and size j boobs at this point! seriously though, i realize what a blessing it is, and am so thankful that that at least is something that i don't have to worry about.
people keep telling me how strong they think i am, or how proud they are of me... i'm flattered really... but what else can i do? i feel like i should be so much stronger...i've had some breakdowns lately. (wren's horrific wednesday for one.) poor thadd gets to deal with an emotional preemie mommy and postpartum nutcase on top of it! (he's doing a great job by the way...love the man.)i just don't think you guys realize how vulnerable i am right now. helpless to help my baby! grr. i'm sure it's normal. but let me just say, if i seem strong to you- i'm really not. i'm just doing what you would do if you were in my situation.i almost don't know how i'm going to make it day to day... especially when she has a bad one. but we all do what we have to i suppose.