early bird- life, love, loss and nicu

thadd decided to hold off on holding wren tonight. he says I need it more than he does- and wren wouldn't enjoy his hairy chest as much as she enjoys my snuggly-ness. she weighs 930grams now... 2.1lbs.. they said the cpap can make her retain water... but also she's been eating now- so we're hoping she's just gaining. I thought I would be all "mommy" and clean around her mouth. it was all gunky. they said the cpap makes it more icky. know how sometimes your spit gets sticky when you haven't talked in a while? so I was rubbing with a tiny piece of gauze, wet with sterile wAter.. when it wouldn't come off I told the nurse I thought it was residual gooey adhesive from the tape holding the feeding tube. the nurse assured me it wasn't- but it was part of her lip! I was trying to rub off her lip! I guess this was the first in many times where I will feel like an inadequate mother! (sidenote: the nurse did rub off her lip- and assured this horrified woman that it had to come off anyway, they clean it up a few times a day..) it's pretty funny- not only does my let down come when a baby cries- but when the machines start beeping!! talk about pavlov's dogs! I wonder if it's because I'm in here with wren- or because I associate all this beeping with her? cant wait for kangaroo time tomorrow!