may 4- gender disappointment

... i'm feeling a little uneasy about having a little girl. i thought i was ready, that i'd flipped the switch in my mind. but as i get closer and closer, and feel more of her kicks... it becomes more "real"... and i'm just not so sure.
the other day i bought wren's first outfit. (much to the chagrin of her gigi- i'm counting THIS as her first outfit... i'm the mommy, i can do that!) when i walked into the baby section, this time, just like all the previous times, my eye is immediately drawn to the little boy stuff. as i made myself turn and go into the girl section (which is ALWAYS much larger!) i was brought to tears... looking at all the adorable outfits with frills and flowers. i had to stifle the tears (being that i was in public) but came to the conclusion that i was definitely not at peace with having a girl yet.
of course, little girl stuff is cute, and i can relate to a little girl... blah blah blah. but when it comes right down to it, i really wanted a boy. there, i said it. i wanted a boy.
1) just plain, being in "boy mode". when we were pregnant with max, thadd got me SO worried about having a boy. (unintentionally of course!) but he really wanted a boy and talked about "him" all the time. then, max was a boy! and we were ready for having a boy! and we looked at all the boy stuff, and talked about rites of passage, and things we were going to do with him. (thadd is really into "raising boys" and has read just about EVERY book on the subject.) so, when we got pregnant again, (even though we both thought right off the bat it was a girl), i just assumed it would be a boy again.
2) that somehow, it would lessen the loss of max if i could have another son. that the hole in my heart could be filled by another little boy. realistically i know that this is crazy... and that max will always have a special place in my heart... can anyone relate to this? do you know what i mean? i guess that it is just an "unmet expectation".... it's an open ended chapter in my life. i
guess numbers 1 & 2 are really part of the same.

thadd, on the other hand, really has made the switch! (and originally he was the one who wanted the boy!) he's talking about tea parties and dating rules and all sorts of stuff. he's rubbing my belly and singing to her and feeling the kicks and watching my belly bounce when she's going crazy in there. it's helping me to be more excited, and i'm thankful to him for that. (he even wants to go clothes shopping... he points out the cute stuff.)

overall, i know we are extremely blessed to have this little bird and we are truly happy that she is healthy. gender disappointment is stupid. and as soon as i'm over it, i'll let you know.

april 27- a blog i stole from someone

this really hit home... hope you enjoy it!

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I need to publicly apologize to every woman who has ever been pregnant since the dawn of time.

We have mocked you. DH and I. Relentlessly. What’s with the sweatpants? Why are you waddling? Stop touching your belly like it is precious!

I’m sorry. I’m not waddling yet but I always thought it was just laziness that made pregnant women waddle. Now I know that your hips feel like they are an extra 10 inches apart and you have a log between your knees. I have to feel like I’m walking pigeon-toed to be walking normal! And your hips just hurt. They are definitely moving around and just don’t seem to sit right anymore. And, I’m not even big yet!

My belly is precious! I love touching it. It is like stroking my baby and sending her waves of love from my hand inside. It isn’t to get attention from anyone but my baby.

Sweatpants…ok I still think this is terrible. Wearing sweatpants in public if you aren’t going to the gym should be punishable by 5 years community service. Seriously, there is no reason not to look good when you are pregnant. There are lots of elastic waist pants that aren’t sweatpants - get some! Sweatpants are for home and gym - that’s it!

That brings me to another pet peeve. I hate when pregnant women say “oh, I’m so fat. I look so ugly. My husband must be so turned off.” SHUT UP. You aren’t fat, you are building a human being. Remember those layers of fat are gifts from Heaven to ensure your survival and that of your baby. You don’t look ugly, you look pregnant. A belly huge with life is more beautiful than a flat belly full of celery and diet coke. If your husband thinks you look ugly then he is a jerk. I’m sorry, pure and simple. Your husband should be enamored of your beautiful body and the amazing miracle it is producing. Seriously, if your husband is that callous of a person are you sure you want him to father your daughters? What you think about effects how you feel and what you do. So, shut up and stop saying you are fat.

I am the culmination and continuation of centuries of motherhood. I am nature at its best. Round and lush and beaming with the miracle of life. You are too. Don’t forget it.

Even when you waddle.

feb 26- the nervous nancy in me

fear is the mind killer. (yes, i'm that much of a nerd.)
if i let it, fear could really consume me for the next few months. i've really been trying to focus on positive things... to think about things that are good and pure... to have faith that everything is going to be ok- no matter how things turn out. it is hard! but it's something that thadd and i are helping each other with everyday.
it's interesting how we deal with our worries in such a different way. thadd really didn't seem excited about the pregnancy from about week 4 until about this week. (he was, of course, excited when we first found out.) and by excited i mean outwardly giddy like he was with max. i, on the otherhand, started a blog and threw myself into this pregnancy whole heartedly. somehow thinking my dedication would keep the baby healthy. :) who knows the right answer? pregnancy after loss, especially multiple losses, is such an individual experience. even if you've been through it (and i've recieved so much help from families who have) how you've handled things and the way you view things is always so different from another person. so it's not surprising that a man and a woman in the SAME family would handle it differently. now thadd's reading all the books again, coming up with "did you knows?" about the baby's growth.. he's touching my belly and chasing me with a camera. it's nice change of pace for us both to be at the same level of excitement once again.
but, excited as i am, i've lately been giving over to my nervousness more than i should! i feel bad, i've already emailed my doctor- THIS WEEK! i bet i'm not the only crazy patient she has either. i feel bad for being a little crazy, but i just need someone to say, "chill out!"....and... maybe another ultrasound just for my own comfort.... :)

feb 14- mini breakdown (hard to write, hard to read)

i was on the way to pick up thadd tonight... and for some reason the fact that i'm pregnant really hit me for the first time... and the implications of that really hit me. i began thinking about my time in the hospital (about 2 weeks) and that led me to contemplate what the most horrific part of that experience was. (i know, right? what a great train of thought!)
there were many things that were hard about that experience. i thought first about the pain of my major organs shutting down. (since that's what i felt first.) they tried to convince me that it was gas- believe me, liver failure doesn't feel like gas! that pain was like nothing i've ever felt. it felt like someone had reached into my abdomen and was wrenching my liver out. but that wasn't the worst.
after i was admitted i was on so many meds i don't even really remember the whole week following. i know many people came to visit. amy was there...betty came, and my mom, and my husband... but i couldn't really keep one day straight from the next. even the actual loss of max... it was really not something that i dealt with for another week or so. so that wasn't the most horrific experience while at the hospital. and from the time they induced me it was several days before i delivered.
the labor... now that was painful. i was on fentanyl... which is a pretty strong opioid.. so it made me tweek out a little. i was itching like crazy. so they gave me benadryl. that made me sleepy, but stopped the itching. i guess that someone decided that benadryl wasn't the best... so they gave me something else ( i have no idea what)... and that actually counter acted the fentanyl and made the pain more pronounced than if i had been on nothing at all. (thanks, right?) but even the actual labor wasn't so bad. i mean, it really hurt... but it gave me confidence that i can have natural childbirth in the future and be ok. and it was something that i knew had to happen.. and it really was a starting over point in a way. i needed to have max, in order to let him go.
the worst part of it all, hands down, was the magnesium sulphate. which is a little weird. at the time i really just muscled through it... but looking back it made me really scared. i don't want that again. maybe it just really stands out as a representation of the whole experience.. .but as i was driving i was brought to tears with fear of being in the hospital... and the feeling of being put on that stuff again. i don't know if any of you have ever been on it before...(i would love to know if you have).. but being on it (properly) isn't so bad... it's the PUTTING you on it that is the kicker. it feels like your whole body has been lit on fire from the inside... like they're pumping acid into your veins. (and no, i'm not exaggerating. it's terrible.) once your body adjusts to it you just feel really lethargic. (the first night they gave me too high of a dose- i couldn't lift my head and was drooling out of my mouth. i realized how people who have no control over their bodies feel-it was incredibly frustrating.) when on the right dosage i could still sort of move around... with a little help to roll over and such... i think the reason that this stands out in my mind is because i was taken off of it about 3 times and put back on. if i had just been on it for the whole time i think the experience would have been much easier. (because as i said, it's the initial putting you on it that is so dreadfully uncomfortable.) but every time i was taken off i would have mini- seizures or be hyperreflexive... and back on the mag-sulphate for me.
whew. so... after thinking about it rationally, i realize that a)i'm probably not going to get eclampsia again, and b) if i get pre-eclampsia, i prbably will not get hellp syndrome... and c) even if i do... i would be ok- even if they had to put me on the meds again.
that's the decision we made when we decided to have another child. so as i would never hope to lose another child, or go through any of the things we went through with max, i am ready for whatever happens. that's sort of what this life is... just being ready, and accepting the things we cannot change. i hope and pray for the health of my child and myself daily... i pray for wisdom that thadd and i might make good decisions about our future in every regard... but in the end god's will will be done, despite our decisions. (and don't forget time and chance happen to everyone- ecc. 9.11. i don't care for the view that god is micro- managing every aspect of our lives. i'm not saying he isn't, i'm just saying we have to be careful what we attribute to him since we can't know what exactly he's setting in motion and what is happening randomly.)
i get so many people that say.. "how could god let this happen"...or even christians who say "i don't know how you're so strong." maybe they're just trying to compliment me. but really when i look at it in a big picture way... i realize, maybe more in times of tragedy than in times of joy, that this life is really only for one purpose- to serve god. and all the other things that happen along the way- good or bad- are just incidental... it's how we deal with these things that makes us who we are. we can draw on a relationship with god for strength and comfort... or we can let a tragedy paralyze us. i realize that if we lose another baby it will be a devastating blow to our marriage, to our families, it will be extremely disheartening and honestly i don't know where we will go from there. but, that said, it is a possibility, and one that we have to come to terms with. i'm not especially strong... or even especially enlightened in the "big picture"... but i do realize that bad things happen to good people (and bad) everyday... that god's love isn't about me being happy and fulfilled only here on earth... this earth is about me being happy and fulfilled with only god's love. everything else is just a blessing.