august 22- never say never again

today was mirena day. for those of you who don't know, and have no desire to click on the link, it's an iud. following is the whole iud experience, as well as some ramblings about whether or not we'll try again. ok, you've been forewarned.
i had to take a pregnancy test yesterday- it came back negative- whew! so i get in there and they start telling me about all the possible side effects. for starters you can bleed more days than not- for 6 months! it can perforate your uterus and migrate around your abdomen. it can cause infection sometime in the next several months. at this point in the conversation you're probably shaking in your proverbial paper blanket just like i was... thinking... is it worth it? we could just never have sex again right?(which seems like a possibility while you're sitting in a doctors office hearing terrible possibilities, but is likely to be less appealing very quickly after leaving the office.) when i told thadd about all the side effects, it crossed his mind too- marital abstinence... probably not a logical choice.
the problem is that i've just been backed into a birth control corner. with my APS i can't take anything with estrogen- cross off the pill, the ring, the patch, the implants... and i can't get pregnant for at least 18 months or i could have a ruptured uterus and maybe die or something. (that's due to the classical incision i received when they surgically removed my daughter.) so then one of the attendings comes in... she tells me all about the horrific possibilities. i'm shaking in by paper blanket- and the other doc says "oh, this is the girl they were talking about." i've had very few times in my life where having "they" talk about me is a good thing. apparently the maternal fetal medicine docs were debating on whether or not i could even have an iud because of the classical incision. (it weakens the uterus and leaves me even more open to migration.) as i sit there and weigh my options i decided that i could always take it out, but i'd have to wait another 6 weeks if i changed my mind and wanted it later.
so, feet in stirrups, with the constant "scoot down" and "please keep your knees apart" reminders.. it began. they had to measure my uterus first. they use a long straw like thing that they felt the need to show me first. WHY!?? i prompltly informed them that they'd have a much calmer patient in pain if i couldn't also visualize what was happening to my poor uterus. i imagine it's tall and skinny like a model. it makes me happier. apparently it's also axial. read: points upwards so the speculum always hurts like heck because they have to keep it at a crazy angle. ok, enough of that. anyway... as i've heard it said "the uterus is not a junkdrawer"... it does not like to be rooted around in...so true so true... the cramping began almost immediately. my body revolted. it didn't take that long.. but of course, time staring at ceilings always seems longer doesn't it?
afterwards, i had a some bleeding... and i had a lot of cramping.... and then yesterday i had so much back pain that i couldn't walk, sit, stand, pick up my daughter or lay down without a grimace and a tear. (a lady walking down the hall told me i looked like i needed a cookie, and offered me a plate full. i was actually in too much pain to eat a cookie!) the head of the neonatal/peds department called in a favor and got one of the obs in labor and delivery triage to see me right away. otherwise i would have undoubtedly been in the er for 5-10 hours.
expected wait time =normal er wait(socialized medicine)+military hospital.
she told me my strings were in place, and that it was probably just deferred pain from the cramping. like how some women have back labor. hmph. well, this morning it was a little better, and i only had to take some motrin. a measly 800mg. :) it's a good thing too, otherwise it would have been a seriously effective birthcontrol method- just put the girl in so much pain that she can barely move, i promise it works.
i asked about the method in which it works. apparently the mirena is not an abortive. it creates a mucus layer that keeps the ol boys from making it up- also less ovulation. they did a study on women that had it for a year- they checked their hcg hormone every single day. none of those women had so much as a fertilized egg. it's good for 5 years, but can be removed whenever i want with successful fertilization only a month or two away.
so, all this brings me to the crux of the matter- kids or not? as i've mentioned before my APS makes all pregnancies a shot in the dark. we don't know what will happen with each individual pregnancy until they actually happen... we could lose another child at 21 weeks, have another preemie, or have a bouncing 10 pounder at 38 weeks... we just don't know. we've been talking about it from the first day of wren's life: will we try again? will we roll the dice? could we handle another loss? or another preemie spending months in a nicu? we already decided if we got the opportunity to adopt we would do it. (immediately, without question...so ya'll spread the word.) but we haven't completely ruled out another attempt at having another baby the good old fashioned way. gasp! i'm sure our families, and some of you are falling out of your chairs! haha... i think i'd feel like a knocked up 15 year old if i got pregnant now- how sad is that? we're adults. fairly responsible, fairly sensible, fairly capable of making life altering decisions... and yet i almost feel the need to make my decision based on other people's opinions. and, to a certain extent i can see why i feel that way.. we've asked so much, and wren's stay has been emotionally and financially trying for both of our families and all of our friends. so maybe they should have a say in our decision. ok, i guess when the time comes i'll just going to have to post a poll on this blog: should we try to have another baby? yes, maybe, never.... i'll give you guys some time to think about it- my classical incision has given us at least 16 months more to decide.
speaking of that, i remember when i had that section... i swore i'd never do it again... but as wren grows and interacts with us more- I NEED to have more babies! it is just so rewarding and i can't imagine not having a herd of them running around my house. (of course when i get her home and deal with all of the challenges facing her first few years it could put a damper on my "litter instinct". :)