our christmas present

on christmas eve we got the best present we could have imagined!
i'm pregnant. about 4 weeks along now.
we were both hopeful, but doubtful, since we had only tried for one month. we tried for a year to get pregnant before we conceived max.
of course, after losing max, this is a time of mixed emotion. i've found myself reflecting back on the past year. (what a year...) thinking not only about what this pregnancy could hold, but remembering more about my pregnancy with max, and what we went through. even what he looked like. all the little things that hadn't been in the forefront of my mind. i imagine this same scenario would have played out had we waited 6 years and not 6 months after our loss. memories like that fade, but they're awakened easily.
pure excitement. i envy that. any woman (or couple) who has not had a miscarriage can embrace the total joy of pregnancy... and while we may have more excitement than those who have not had loss, we can't give ourselves over to it. our joy will always be tempered with fear until we hold our child in our arms.